InFaith, Family, Grief

Dear Autumn (Day +124)

Dear Autumn,

I can’t believe it’s been 4 months since you’ve passed. Each day still seems hard and unreal that you’re really gone. Mommy just miss you so SO much. I miss talking to you, playing with you, hearing your laugh, seeing you care for Chloe, and you singing along to Bubble Guppies or your favorite movies and music. Every time I think of you, my heart just stops. This pain starts creeping up and aims right at my heart.

There was a picture I took of your baby sister playing right by your picture and urn. It was sunny on and off throughout the day. As I’m trying to take a picture, I noticed this shield around Chloe. I’d like to believe that’s you protecting her, forever and always. I know you’re not here physically but you’re here in spirit. Through your favorite songs or things you’d like to do. It’s just been really hard dealing with this intense of loss. Its just not right. Losing your baby at only 3 years old when you have so much potential in this world. Your father and I wish so badly to see you grow up because you’re just so sweet and so smart.

But that wasn’t God’s plan for you and for our family. He wanted you home with him.

Every time I look at your baby sister though, I see so much of you in her. Your sister is 8.5 months old right now. Man oh man you would’ve had so much fun with her at this age. She’s already pulling herself up without my help and she loves to laugh which I know you would love to do. You love making others laugh as it brings you a lot of joy.

Grief is a serious thing. Things that should’ve not existed in this world but it does. Now you see Autumn, the pain hurts so much because we love you so much. You were our first baby and you’d always reminded me that you’re my first every time I hold you. You taught us how to be parents for the very first time and every new milestone was just so exciting! But now, that milestone after 3 years of age are no longer available until your sister gets there. By the time your sister is 3, you would’ve been 6 years old. Man, imagine that! My heart is just in pieces and there are days I asked God, why? Why us?! What did we do so badly to deserve this when we followed everything that was thrown at us. Like your father said, we won’t know until we asked God ourselves.

I can’t wait until we’re reunited again. Every night before bed, I prayed that I would have dreams of you but it has yet to happen. I will keep praying until I will see you. My heart yearns to see your face and that sweet little voice. Night night baby, sweet dreams. I love you.

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