InFaith, Family, Grief

Dear Autumn (Day +152)

Dear Autumn,

I know I’m about 11 days late on your 5 months angelverssary. It’s been such a weird month. Your baby sister and I went to Southern California to visit both your grandparents. They miss and love you SO much. There were days I just imagine you there next to your grandma while she holds Chloe and plays some of your favorite kid music. Not a days go by where my heart just aches. I try my best to keep myself together but some days, I have no self control.

Tonight, I had to save all of my photos on my phone because that’s all I have left of you. Just memories in photos and videos. Photos that showed your happiness, your joy, but also your struggle, your pain. There were few photos that struck a nerve instantly. The ones of you starting to crumble day by day. Those were the hardest to look at. You can just see the changes within weeks of each other. From a happy girl wanting to dance to slowly feeling those horrible fevers where you just wanted to stay in bed and be left alone. You wanted to play but you just didn’t have the strength too. A video of you trying to hold the iPad to watch your favorite music videos but you couldn’t dance or point in the air too. Then photos of you in the PICU where you had to be intubated.

That photo. That photo breaks my heart every time because that was the last time I’ve heard your voice… the last time you said Mommy… the last time you held my hand. After you were intubated, it just wasn’t getting better. One machine after another. It was more machines and more medications than you ever had since your last time in the PICU in 2016. Then there was THAT one photo. It was the day that you died. The day that your father and I had to make the hardest decision ever. You did give us a sign that you’re done and ready to be with the Lord. So we let you go and be free. Be pain free. No more suffering. The photo I had of you was the last time I could touch your body, give you a big kiss, and held your hand. You were already gone, sleeping peacefully in your bed with your beautiful Autumn blanket and your favorite panda bear. As your father and I packed everything out of the room and ready to head home, the last glance I had of you alone in that room hurts my soul. No mother wants to leave their child alone… EVER. But I had to tell myself that it’s just your shell, your soul is in heaven with the Lord now.

My dear sweet baby girl. I can’t wait to see you soon. I can’t wait for you to run over to me and say Mommy! You’re here! I can’t wait to live eternally forever with you and our Father. I know it’s not my time right now but until then, we will see each other again soon. Night night. I love you. Sweet dreams.

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